I was having one of the moments at work today where I had gotten ‘hooked.’ I started off the day with a ‘win.’ That’s what I call it when a patient comes in feeling much better, believing you have raised them from the proverbial dead, and you are given temporary savior-like status — temporary is the key word here. My next patient came in negatively bent like an emotional sickle. He wasn’t in pain (physically anyway). He was actually in pretty good shape, just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, spewing negativity about unfair news coverage of his favorite political party, the over-inflated taxes on his house, and his wife’s innate ability to find something wrong with…well, everything. (Everything covers a good number of things, I thought to myself). By the time he left, I found myself irritated, and carrying the emotional sickle that he had come in with.
“Why am I having PBJ for lunch again? I’m tossing it at the next patient!” (I know there’s something wrong… I love PBJ’s) “I could re-heat my meatloaf over a lighter faster than this microwave!” (Judging inanimate objects, always a ‘tell’) “I can’t believe I let that person’s angry energy make me, well… angry! (angry at my anger… definitely a mood lifter). When I was finally able to bring myself back to center a bit, and calm down, I realized what fired me up the most was that I allowed myself to take on someone else’s reality. I had granted ‘mental squatters rights’ in my brain space to someone else. I had gotten ‘hooked’.
Every time this happens to me (because this isn’t a “have it happen one time, and learn your lesson” kinda’ thing) it reminds me of this great story I read in one of Pema Chodron’s books. I have the habit of reading books that I like over and over again. Though this sometimes makes less time for new books, I feel if an author’s words hit me right the first time, it helps me to read it a bunch more to embed the message in my grey matter.
I may ‘paraphrase’ slightly here, so forgive me…
Samurai – Hey, I’m extremely important, and you are a lowly little bald monk, but…since it’s your job to “ponder life, and stare at walls,” I want you to tell me the nature of heaven and hell!
Monk – Who the hell are you? Why should I tell you squat? You’re nobody. Just some somebody’s errand boy, out killing because you are ‘beckoned’ to do so. Do you even understand the words that are coming out of my mouth, or should I draw you pictures in crayon?
At this, the Samurai turn’s beet red, filled with piping hot anger and hatred, un-sheaths his sword in a flash, stopping his razor sharp blade half a millimeter away from the monk’s neck.
Monk – That’s hell.
The Samurai realizes what just happened. He allowed another to dictate his feelings, and therefore his actions. By doing so, he created his own furnace-filled hell of rage, reactivity, and anger. Once the Samurai realized he was no longer in control of his emotions, or his choices, it allowed him to have choice over himself again. He immediately dropped his sword, fell to his knees, put his hands together and bowed to the monk. “Thank you.”
Monk – That’s heaven.
The patient didn’t mean to attack me with his emotions. He came in and expressed his feelings, but all the energy that came with them cut into our space. Though not a direct attack, I took his reality on without being aware of it. The problem is when we are not mindful of how another’s emotions can affect us, we unwittingly take them on, forgetting that we have a choice. A choice about whether or not we take it in.
When you find yourself emotionally ‘hooked,’ by another’s mood or way of being, causing your blood to boil, bringing about unwanted emotions inside you, this is when you have the opportunity to ‘un-hook’ yourself. This starts with realizing that you are human. That we all get hooked and the easiest way to get yourself of the ‘hook’ is to acknowledge you are on it in the first place. Once you accept that you have taken on another’s reality, you can begin to see that another person’s emotions, words or actions are theirs. You have ‘choice’ as to whether or not you want to take their emotions on. This mindfulness allows you to stop the transference of another’s reality onto yours. You can see that their mental/emotional ‘stuff’ is not ‘your stuff’. Now the emotions that were driving you to be upset with yourself and the other person, become an opportunity to develop compassion for the other person who is caught in self-judgment, or an uncomfortable emotional state. We always have a choice when it comes to our reality.
Once the ‘mental squatter’s rights’ were lifted, I am grateful to say my urge to drop my microwave out the office window subsided. I was able to meet my next patient with the grateful energy that I had started the day with. She was in a bit of a mental ‘funk,’ but I was fully aware that it was hers. By staying in the energy that I had brought myself back to, I believe our exchange was more pleasant than it would have been if I allowed myself to throw my PBJ at her.
