Patience is NOT My Virtue

As a wise man once said, the hardest thing about waiting, well…is the time it takes. Alright, I don’t know anyone who actually said that, but I sure somebody did…while they were waiting for something.

It has been 9 WHOLE DAYS since I ordered the hard copy ‘proof’ of my book “Changing Your Weather” from Amazon and I can honestly say, I’ve learned a great deal about myself through the process of well…waiting.  Where before I had a very immaculate image of myself as this ‘detached’ person (we all have our delusions), fine with whatever comes my way, as long as I am giving my best effort.  I now realize that this may be a bit far from the truth…  Like “New Zealand” far.

There are times when I am at my best. Where I can remain centered through the process.  But other times, I watch my internal emotional pendulum swing back and forth inside my body.  I go from “when the hell is it going to get here!” to, “I’m just grateful that I am no longer working through the ‘Death Star’ process of getting the book up on Amazon’s CreateSpace (the program that allows a budding author/illustrator like myself to get my books published both electronically and for print).

Today is a day where the pendulum is gaining a bit of momentum. I can feel it deep within my bones!  That book is coming.  My Jedi-like skills can ‘sense’ my rebel hard-copy making its way across the U.S. Postal galaxy to Waterbury.  I bothered the landlord at my acupuncture office a mere 3 times yesterday looking to see if the mailman stopped by with it.  I drove by the postal carrier as he unsuspectedly walked his route, eyeing him as if I was gearing up for a South Central ‘drive by.’  I know I should detach.  That it will work out.  That it’s coming.

It’s just a ‘proof’ of my book, and it will most likely still need a few minor ‘tweaks’ (hopefully minor, prayers are appreciated :). I know my efforts are all I can control.  But there is a difference in saying it (having the information) and actually “knowing” it (having the personal knowledge).  Kind of like looking at a postcard of the Grand Canyon and actually descending over 6,000 feet into its depths on foot.

The heavily technical process of getting my book formatted for CreateSpace was a mind-numbing, anxiety-producing feat in and of itself (and that was with SERIOUS help getting it done). Getting this printed ‘proof’ is a closer step to getting a finished product up on the internet for kids, and into my own hands.  I am realizing that this whole process would have been a heck of a lot less ‘brain freezy’ if I had ‘detached’ from the need to be perfect in my detachment.  Crazy Right?

Sometimes we will not be perfect in our ability to govern our emotions, to detach, and that self-criticalness only adds time and obstruction to what we are trying to get done. I just get over-excited and want so badly to see my book in hardcopy, and that’s human.  When the self-judgmental words of “I shouldn’t feel this way!” (anything that starts with ‘I shouldn’t…,’ usually is missing ‘what actually is’) come pouring in, I can take a few breaths, be gentle with myself, and jokingly own that today might not be the day for attaining ‘enlightenment.’  There is a great deal of happiness and success in other parts of my life (illustrations that have been completed, blogs that have been written, time out with family and friends, running on trail that I haven’t seen since Vermont started it’s ice age this past November) that I can focus my energy on.  Seeing this bigger picture of my life naturally allows my grey matter to stop grasping at what is not in my control (postal routes), and relax into the things that I can put effort towards.

Alright, I can hear the postman’s truck. I’m eager to see if he’s got the hard copy proof.  BUT, I will ‘walk’ casually down the stairs with full resolve not to tackle him to the ground.  Good sign.  I’ll just meander onto the porch and see if he has anything for me.  I’ll let you know how it goes…the self-persecution, and whether or not I get the book! 🙂