Confronting the Grey Wizard

Today’s the day. I’m parked curbside in front of the Waitsfield library. I need to go in and ask the librarian if she would allow me the time and space to conduct my ‘Change Your Weather’ workshops for kids.  Yet, here I sit, staring at those intimidating big wooden doors, imagining Gandalf the Grey himself on the other side just waiting to tell me, “You shall not pass!” (As disappointing as that would be…who better to tell you, “No!”)

I’ve settled on leaving the car and going in a few times now, but my legs don’t seem to agree with what my grey matter is telling them. I know I’ve already spoken with the librarian when I saw her at another of the many libraries where I work on my book (Coincidence?), and had gotten a very positive response. But that doesn’t take the anxious edge off.  I’m presenting myself.  And with that, my work and ideas.  I can’t walk through that door without my doubts and fears.  They mix in and fill the pockets of my psyche just as much as my excitement and desire that the library will embrace my ideas, my book.

Sometimes I wish I could leave my worries and doubts (my ‘emotional gremlins’) in the car, along with my coffee, and half-eaten breakfast sandwich… But would I really want to? As ‘uncomfortable’ as my uncomfortable emotions are, they serve a purpose (even if, while trying to step out of the car, recalling that purpose is a bit ‘brain foggy’).  Some anxiousness and curiosity about what is possible can be strong catalysts to take action, especially when tempered with a great desire to see kids have choice over their feelings and the world around them.  When used together in other areas of my life, the anxiety and desire I feel create the perfect amount of itchiness and restlessness to propel me and my legs (along with my emotional gremlins) out of the car, onto the sidewalk, and into an unknown outcome.

This may not go the way I planned. The Grey wizard could be gearing up to shake his staff wielding fist and bellow a hard “NO!” at me (alright, this librarian is so kind… Please forgive me if you’re reading this :).  But I have sat in these itchy un-comfortable feelings (and car) long enough.  I need to find out what possibilities lie on the other side of those doors.  I’m just going to push past my need to be comfortable, even if it’s just for this moment.  Recognize my anxiety and uncertainty as motivators Use my desire to see this workshop though and help as many kids as I can to stay present, be my best self, and find the strength to open the many doors I’ll need to walk through.

Wish me luck. I don’t know how it’s going to go.  I do know I’m going through those doors.  It’s worth it!