Leaving UPS, book in hand, I am feeling the unbridled excitement of “Oh my God, it’s perfect!” and the anxiousness of “Oh, my God…now it’s perfect!” Both of these emotions are justified. My book looks like it came down from the heavens, handed down by God himself (fairly sure God wouldn\’t come all that way, but let’s just say he shipped it via UPS), and that fills me with both confidence and anxiety… Let’s face it, I do actually want to build a workshop for kids. So the experience went as follows…
I opened the book in the sun so as not to try and cheat myself in a shady corner of the car (the cover would look better in less light… that’s not beneath me). Just before I opened the card-board package, the \’ever so similar\’ package to all the other packages I’ve opened over the last two months, I prayed to all that\’s holy to just let THIS proof of my book be the one that\’s right! It\’s been a tough two months of trying to get this book published. Sometimes CreateSpace’s fault, other times my own mistakes. But here I was, standing outside the holy (or not so holy) grounds of UPS for a 4th time, gripping my cardboard package, shaking a bit, like I was holding a ticking time bomb, when it finally occurred to me. Not just words in my head, but actually a feeling that resonated through my body:
“The book will get done, if not this hard copy proof, then the next. I’m going to do the workshops. I am moving forward with all of this.”
The graspy, anxious energy of wanting to have my book come together perfectly, was not only unhelpful to me, it was hurting me. My mind would wander to my book when I was not doing work, when I was on vacation, when I was running, or playing with my daughter. It seemed two things were happening to me during these periods of me trying to ‘crystal ball’ (look into and control a future that hasn’t happened yet). One – I was literally creating anxiety and negative energy around something that I have no control over. Two – I was losing the present moment (which was many times wonderful). I cannot control the externals to this process, but I can govern how I react to them, and how I hold myself.
So…I didn’t ‘rip’ the cardboard open. I took my time. I looked around. Took in the beautiful mountains I could see in the distance. Took a few deep breathes and literally said to myself, “If not this one, then the next.”
Well… I am happy to say this proof was the one! It was one of those moments I spoke of last week in my blog where everything felt crisper to all of my senses. The cover of the book, which had been a difficulty, was now amazing, filled with colors popping! Any and all ‘glitches’ were taken care of, and the back of the book was perfect! I realize this doesn’t mean there won’t be other obstacles along the way. My emotional gremlins are never too far behind, lingering around the next \’unknown\’, prepping a script to fill my mind with all too familiar doubts like ‘well… what about your workshop now?’ And that’s ok. It’s familiar, and the more familiar I get with ‘trying’ the unknowns in my life, the lower those gremlin voices get. Whether it be my book, workshop, or any other goal I have, I will remind myself as many times as necessary – it will get done. Not because I can control the externals, or am able to ‘crystal ball’ an outcome, but because I can trust myself. Trust my efforts on what I do have say over.
