A blaring horn. A quick shot of an anxiety filled adrenalin snaps me back into my body, as my friend slams on the brakes as we were backing out of our parking spot.
I watch in slow-motion as an emotional ‘drive-by’ takes place in front of my eyes. An older man in long, classic Buick drives behind us, throwing up the bird and smiling. Anger gremlins don’t walk, they RUN into the forefront of my friend’s brain as he starts sputtering in fury.
The old geezer is still holding his finger up even after he’s passed us (just in case the 20 second view from the side hadn’t done the trick). “You believe this guy?!” my buddy says… (or maybe that’s his anger gremlin). His face reddens. I see his fists tighten on the steering wheel. “Will you look at that geriatric gang banger? Who the (insert your favorite #%! here) does he think he is?” my friend spits out.
Every ‘guy’ movie I’ve seen, or encounter I’ve watched with my friends in similar situations informs me of what will likely happen next. That’s right…the mental STOP sign has been blown through, and my otherwise rational friend is in full steam. I could see his feet were just waiting for the word to step out of the car and chase this guy down. Ready to give the old geezer a good, long look (in his rearview mirror) at his own finger high and proud. Yeah!…That’ll show him.
Before my friend’s hand actually goes for the door, we hear a loud burst of laughter off my passenger’s side. A quick look and I see older man laughing and lifting his hand up in the form of the bird…
Not at us. At the car with the old presumed jerk driving off around the corner.
They’re friends. My friend’s face loosens, and his anger gremlin taking a rain check, but not before he slaps hands with my buddy’s embarrassment gremlin, who is now making his way to the forefront as evidenced by his face becoming even redder. My friend’s eyes dart at me, ashamed and embarrassed. He takes a few deep breaths and forces a chuckle.
“Wow, where did all of that anger come from?” he mutters, before slowly (and cautiously) resuming exiting our parking space.
Lisa Feldman Barrett, a neuroscientist who has studied the origins of our emotions for the last 25 years, has a fairly good idea. In her TedTalk, “You aren’t at the Mercy of Your Emotions – your brain creates them,” Lisa speaks about how it is not our outside world that creates our emotions but our own brains that try and predict the experience we should feel about what is going on outside of us.
“The emotions you seem to detect in other people are partly inside your own head… Emotions that seem to happen to you, are actually made by you.”
Since it’s fairly obvious that two friends were sharing a joke with each other (regardless if you think it was off color or not), the emotions that were being shared between the two of them was humor, playfulness, and ribbing. In fact, my buddy and I weren’t even in their situation.
When we hear a horn honking our minds, however, often predict that there is danger. This creates a shot of adrenalin and fear (flight/fight response). This automatic response (whether anger or fear) can override our executive functioning and cause us to hit the brakes before knowing what was going on. Once we are ‘safe,’ our brains can just as quickly convert our fear to anger, especially if we think that someone is acting out on us.
“Your mind is searching to find an explanation for those sensations in your body that you experience as wretchedness.”
When my friend heard the horn, a fight or flight adrenalin cocktail was made, and his fear of hitting another car shot right into a prediction of what kind of situation we were in. Once we stopped, without getting in an accident, his brain then received more information and prepared what it assumed would be the correct emotional response to a person pissed off, leaning on their horn, and flashing my friend an aggressive gesture. Fear, with no place to go, easily turns into anger. Since his brain was already predicting confrontation, my friend’s anger was quickly.
“Your brain does not react to the world using past experience, your brain predicts and constructs your experience of the world.”
Once my brain made its prediction of the situation, anger production began, and friend was ready for the ‘predicted’ hard energy that was coming our way (like somehow fighting fire with fire ever saved a burning building… But we’ll talk about that in minute). When no anger came from outside sources, the uncomfortable energy of my friend’s anger need to go somewhere, and, since it could no longer go outward (to the presumed jerk geezer), it turned into embarrassment and self-persecution (basically anger turned inward).
“You have more control over your emotions that you think you do. Next time you are feeling intense emotional distress, ask yourself could this have a purely physical cause? Could you transform emotional suffering into mere physical discomfort?”
Yes, if my friend threw up the mental stop sign in his head. Pulled back into the parking space. Counted to ten. Took a breather. He could have sat through the uncomfortable fear, until it subsided. He could have chosen not to react to the guy, even if the finger was for us, knowing that it would only bring about more uncomfortable emotions such as anger and regret. Beyond that, after a bit of mental space, he could have possibly acknowledged that fear is an appropriate response and body-filling sensation because he thought we might hit a guy!
The question of what is going on for you physically can be asked in any situation, not just emergencies: Did I get enough sleep the night before? Am I hungry? What other physical issue could be causing these uncomfortable feelings to arise in me? These questions are not only valid, they take the pressure off your mind to need to predict and create a bigger scenario. One that quite possibly isn’t happening and isn’t helpful.
“Be the architect of your own experience.”
Stopping and letting your brain tune back into what is actually happening rather than allowing it to just react ensures that you are the architect of your experience.
