I’m scared. I feel indecisive and my palms are sweaty. I feel like someone gave me a frontal lobotomy and my fear and self doubt have their hand on the wheel. I am not at the starting line of a race. I’m not getting ready for surgery. I’m not dealing with a life threatening event. I’m staring at my computer screen reviewing a few proposals from web developers. I have never done this before. Honestly, it’s that simple.
I used to have this great neighbor named Cliff. Cliff went to Cornell and was also a Marine. This incredible combination made him smart, good natured, and willing to help another out. I was grateful that he allowed me to treat his wife with Acupuncture for some things, so at least I could give back in my way. But, honestly, I knocked on his door for help much more frequently. If I had a problem with my toilet, I’d ask Cliff. If I wanted to learn how to paint my house, Cliff again. He was a plumber by trade, so a great deal of the time it was, “Can you help me with the back up pipes again?”
I didn’t grow up with a handy father, which is no excuse, I just honestly never really took the time to learn it myself. I never felt quite comfortable with building or fixing things, because, well…I never did it. I’m an artist, acupuncturist, and athlete…handy was not in my repertoire. Cliff would try to explain to me how to do things when I asked for help. I’d listen and watch him, hoping some of the lessons would stick. But it always ended the same: my anxiety and embarrassment would get the best of me, and, within a short while, it went from Cliff helping me to Cliff doing it. I would just get so uncomfortable and embarrassed because I couldn’t figure it out, that I would end up giving over the entire project for him to do.
Cliff never refused and was always good about it. But I remember always feeling ‘a little less’ for it. A little less capable. A little less confident. Again, it was never anything that Cliff said or did. It was the fact that I let my fear, anxiety and self-doubt determine how much of the process I could stay in with him when he was teaching me.
I think this happens to many of us when we’re at the beginning of learning something new. Fear, anxiety, and self consciousness get so big and unwieldy that we give over our power and forget how capable we actually are. If we’re honest with ourselves, it’s not like anything we’ve ever mastered in our lives didn’t have fear at the front and center of our minds for a hell of a long while. We may have locked ourselves away from self judgement by ‘just trying to figure it out for ourselves,’ even though we may have known that it might’ve taken a lot less time if we could just allow our fear and anxiety be with us while we asked for help.
Cliff was a smart, capable guy for sure, but magical superpowers he didn’t have. What he did have was the ability to trust himself enough that he could take failure. Because he didn’t always get it right. I know this because I would see him mess stuff up. When he did, he would just chuckle, think about what else he could try, and move forward. And the more he did it, meaning the more he tried to fix things, mess with things, build things, the more confidence he had in his abilities. Meanwhile, when he would screw up, his fear and anxiety lessened in intensity and duration. I’m sure his fear and self-doubt was just like anybody else’s when he first started. But, through his continued effort, that soon developed a belief within him where he told himself, “I’m sure I can figure this out.”
There are only two things that enable you to get to the point where you truly believe you are capable, regardless of the discipline you are pursuing:
Courage and consistent deep practice.
That’s it. No magic. No one is an anomaly. Some have talent, but, most of the time, it’s dealing with the uncomfortability of making mistakes, then moving forward with what they teach you, rather than just doing the things that are comfortable to us. A concert violinist doesn’t get better at playing the violin by only playing the pieces they already know by heart. Wouldn’t that be spectacular! It’s by stretching ourselves, growing, and consistently doing what is required to gain mastery over the craft. That kind of mastery comes with a plethora of failure.
In fact, most people who have gained mastery in some area were incredible failures first before they became incredible masters. They learned to fail like pros! Honing their ability to identify their feelings of fear and learn from them, so they could get back in their challenges more quickly with greater success.
I know I lean heavily on being a creative person. But it doesn’t mean I can’t learn. I didn’t always do marathons, I didn’t always do Ironman races, or ultras. I certainly didn’t always do workshops on emotional resilience, speak in high schools and colleges, and give keynote speeches. The first time I ever made a video it took five hours. That same process now takes all of about 45 minutes (or two hours if you wanna’ include posting on social media 🙂 ) This proficiency came with a cost of allowing for fear, anxiety, and self-doubt to tell it’s tale to me, and then continual consistent, relentless, deep practice.
So, it looks like I’m gonna’ have to sit down, read these proposals, and see what works for me and see what doesn’t. I’m going to have to make a list of questions for them. Think about the budget that I have to spend on a website, and start to learn social media marketing. I can learn a great deal on my own, but asking for help and not getting hijacked by my uncomfortability will get me where I want to go more quickly. I don’t need to give over my power to get help. I’d say that this is a tall order and that I’m uncertain that I can even do it, but, if I just look over my life experiences, I have a pattern of digging my heels in and developing the consistent deep practice I need to succeed.
