“Are you feeling that?” My dental hygienist asked as she pushed on my tooth, newly exposed, ready to get a crown. Of course with fingers in my mouth I can’t really talk. But my death-grip on the chair, raised eyebrows, and wide eyes are all pretty good indicators that I am actually feeling it–and not in a good way.
Next, the dentist comes in and asks me if I’m feeling any pain at all. I reply that I am feeling some, but overall it was tolerable. “You shouldn’t have to feel any pain,” she said.
Wouldn’t it be great, I thought, if we didn’t have to feel any pain in this world. Or would it? Physical, mental, or emotional pain has its place, and building resilience for the sake of building resilience to pain is not the point. We want to be able to feel our pain so we can hear what it actually has to tell us and we can grow.
Think about it for a minute: if someone told you that you needed to feel a little bit of fear so that you can get used to it and use it to better your situation, whatever that situation was, would you do it? The fact of the matter is we do it all the time when it comes to physical pain. No one ever goes into the weight room thinking that they were going to get on the bench press and it wasn’t going to hurt a little bit if not a lot. But you start to get used to it–dare I say almost comfortable with that kind of uncomfortability. It never actually feels good, but you also know that it’s doing good for you, so you accept it, even revel in it at times. You work with it and understand that it’s part of the process if you want to grow those muscles.
It’s no different when we’re talking about your uncomfortable emotions. Fear, anger, uncertainty, and self-doubt, when left by themselves, can cause real havoc on us. But we can take them in little doses. We can train with them with the understanding that, the better we get to know these emotions, the more we can use them instead of having them use us. It’s definitely worth a little bit of pain.
When we want to build resilience physically we know that we need to feel some physical pain. The problem is when we go to try to build resilience emotionally, if we tell somebody that we’re unhappy, fearful, or anxious, usually we get someone offering helpful suggestions for doing this or that to ‘get over it’ or feel better. Rarely does someone say, “Wow. That’s great. What is that emotion telling you?”
If we want to build our emotional resilience we are told we need to meditate; we need to sit in a yoga pose, we need to hold hands, we need quiet time, we need to avoid those things that make us uncomfortable, and only pursue the things that make us feel good. This is crap plain and simple. That’s not called resilience, that’s called avoidance. No, I’m not saying you’ve got to dive off the deep end in an empty pool…ever. What I am saying is that allowing for a little bit of emotional discomfort in your life will enable you to slowly build a relationship with those emotions that may not feel good but have a lot of good information to give you.
Here are a couple of effective tips on how to slowly begin allowing for a little bit of emotional discomfort that can actually lead to emotional resilience and less discomfort over the long-haul:
Start with the little things: What I mean by that is, if you’re feeling emotional pain because of the loss of a loved one, or a break in a relationship, it may be a good idea to use some of those emotional resilience tools that you have that can ‘decrease’ the amount of anxiety or fear that you’re feeling, or see a professional to help you work through your emotions. But say you’re waiting in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is fishing around for their checkbook, and you really just wish they were paying with a debit card like everybody else… You might want to consider just sitting in that irritation for a few minutes. Pay attention to what it feels like in your body. Chewing on it in safe doses like this allows you to start to gain an understanding of it, and therefore a relationship with it. This can be beneficial so it’s not as unfamiliar when it comes up over much bigger things.
Embrace the struggle: Easier said than done I know, but when you’re sitting in that place of fear, anxiety, or self-doubt, try and remind yourself that all roads to growth are uncomfortable. Everything that you’ve ever accomplished in your life that was worth doing did not come easy. Whether it was a physical, mental, or emotional struggle, or even all three, you had to deal with it to get where you are now. Just remembering during those times of struggle that there is a purpose to the uncomfortable feelings that you’re having allows you to sit in them a little bit longer and get the valuable information they have to give you.
I give my dentist the thumbs up and crack a smile as best as I can with cotton balls in my mouth. I didn’t need to be completely pain-free. In fact, a little pain will be good for me. The pain will remind me that I had dental work today, to chew on the other side of my mouth, to eat foods that are a little bit softer, and even possibly help me to avoid biting my lip when I’m talking. My pain has a purpose. And allowing for it to have it’s say, and learning from it, will only add information to my life’s choices.
If you would like help lessening your fear and anxiety, reaching your goals, breaking habits, or creating new ones, I’d love to work with you. Just click the button or the link below for a free consultation and let’s talk.
