I’ve been stuck listening to his criticism all day; questioning my judgement and pointing out all of the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made. I’m not talking about the decor for the new office that I’ve recently opened, that would be easy enough to ignore. But this fella knows me. My insecurities. The little gremlins that gnaw on my self esteem. All the ways I will believe I’m not good enough. So, the needling continues. Who do you think you are? Is this really the right move at this moment? Where are you going to find time to set all this up, it really is your busiest time of the year. Why were you thinking of taking all this on now?
You might be questioning why I would bring some killjoy like this with me while I’m moving into my new office space. Nobody needs that kind of negativity and pessimism when starting something new, right? Honestly, if I needed some muscle and only needed this ‘downer’ to carry things for me for a few hours, I could probably handle it, ignoring the off-handed comments just to get set up. Unfortunately, he’s with me morning, noon, and night. I’ve known him for years. I know he has only the best intentions. He doesn’t want to see me get hurt, so tries to warn me off of things that might leave me disappointed or where I could fail… Despite his good intentions, quite frankly, he’s felt like an anchor around my neck whenever I’ve tried to step out of my comfort zone and do something challenging. Who is this bizarre guy that has my ear 24/7?
My Inner Critic.
This Inner Critic, that voice that has been warning us off from dinosaurs eating us, has been our best friend and keeping us alive and foraging for over 200,000 years. The problem? The dinosaurs have exited (stage right) and we no longer just want a voice that can help us stay alive by avoiding “perceived” life threatening situations, we want to thrive!
Here’s the thing with thriving…it usually means taking risks. Doing things that our 200,000 year-old brain might consider life threatening when, in reality, these risks are only a threat to our ego. Basically, how we are going to feel about ourselves if a risk we take doesn\’t work out, instead of whether or not we are going to be the appetizer for a T-Rex. What’s worse, this voice is not subject to the laws of speech. It fills our head at lightning speed with doubts and ‘don’t do its,’ so that we can barely get a word in edgewise to keep us motivated and moving forward with the actions that would get us closer to our goals.
Charles Fernyhough, a professor at Durham University in the U.K., and author of, The Voices Within, states that, “…inner speech…isn’t bound by many of the conventions of verbal speech. For one, we can produce it much faster when we don’t have to go at the pace required to use tongues and lips and voice boxes. One researcher the book cites clocks inner speech at an average pace of 4,000 words per minute—10 times faster than verbal speech. And it’s often more condensed—we don’t have to use full sentences to talk to ourselves, because we know what we mean.” When you consider the speed and perceived accuracy of what your inner critic is saying to you, the importance of having a way to meet this voice becomes clear.
Here are a few tips on how you can turn down the volume on your inner critic, and begin filling your mind with words, sights, sounds, and images that will motivate you to bring your best efforts to the table when you are taking on something challenging.
Don’t demonize your inner critic – I know, easy to say, but, in reality, when it’s verbally giving us a beating and injecting fear and uncertainty into our very core, it’s difficult not to think of it as a villain. Well, It’s not twisting an evil mustache and trying to ruin all of your life plans. In fact, it’s quite the opposite, its only job is to try and keep you breathing. You need to consider this voice a friend. It keeps you looking both ways before you cross a busy street, so you don’t become a two dimensional version of yourself. It helped you last week when you smelled that roast beef and threw it out rather than risk hovering over the toilet for the next 24 hours because you had an important presentation to give in the morning, it reminded you. Basically, it’s looking out for you. It’s worrying about your well being. Assuaging your Inner Critic with language like, “I appreciate you, but I’m moving forward with this.” allows it to feel heard, so it stops beating you over the head with an alarm signal that doesn’t fit your current situation.
Bring yourself to court – Sometimes when you just can’t seem to get that inner critic to ‘let it go’ and trust you to know what you’re doing, you need to bring the facts into your brain that just flat out proves your Inner Critic’s, uh, criticism is wrong. Starter sentences like, “I know that’s not true because…”, or “That’s false, and here are the facts…” can set your mind pursuing all the ways you have already been successful in the quest you are undergoing. Listing all the factual reasons why you are fully capable of taking on a particular challenge steels your mind to make the most of the ‘wins’ and learn from the ‘setbacks’ that you will most likely face while moving forward with your goals.
Develop your Coach – You have another voice in your head that you may have heard from time to time that basically had your back. A voice that reminded you that you were capable, and might have even given you some criticism, but it was constructive and helped you through some pretty tough times in your life: the last few miles of a race you didn’t think you’d finish, a job interview that you were walking into, a difficult conversation with your child… Whatever the case, when it came down to it, this voice backed you up to muscle through that difficult time. That was your coach! Considering how much we talk to ourselves, If we want to lessen that Inner Critic’s voice, we need to give our Coach a bigger voice! Build out this voice. Practice it by thinking of someone who has the qualities of “The Coach” in your life, who you could visualize in times of doubt or uncertainty, especially when you’re stretching and growing in a new arena.
Setting up an office again, after providing emotional resilience coaching only virtually for the past year, is a big step. Add that to my other goals this year: coach a successful (and somewhat ‘normal’) middle school cross country season, training for a new and challenging endurance event this fall, and, well, just living each day – it can feel overwhelming, especially when my Inner Critic has my ear. But, I can hear my Coach too! Reminding me of my pre-pandemic success at launching my national speaking during this same time of year, pointing out that I was also coaching and training at that time. I go back, review my log that I wrote of the wins I accomplished during that time, visualizing those past successes, fueling my Coach with more undisputed facts in my mind’s courtroom. I turn back to my new office space once again and decide that, yeah, that picture really does go well on that wall. My Coach and I are ready to see my first client in person next week!
If you would like help lessening your fear and anxiety, reaching your goals, breaking habits, or creating new ones, I’d love to work with you. We can meet virtually or in person at my office in Waterbury, Vermont. Just click the button or the link below for a free consultation and let’s talk.
