Cinderella Man is one of my all time favorite flicks. I\’m a huge fan of Russell Crowe, and usually I’ll go and see something he’s in on principle. But man, this movie did not disappoint! Russell plays James J. Braddock, an up-and-coming boxer being groomed for a title match, only to run into a bout of bad luck during the Great Depression. Now, I\’m letting you know right now that this is a ‘spoiler’, so don’t read the rest of this blog if you’re planning on running out to watch this yourself. Otherwise, I’ll save you the suspense, this is a huge comeback movie, so James is going to be okay before the two hours and thirty minutes are up. But whether or not he wins the heavyweight title is irrelevant. What is relevant is how he handles himself when he\’s down on his luck, which is what makes it such a great underdog flick.
It is the Great Depression, so we watch the other people in the movie, strangers, neighbors, friends, all feeling tired, angry, and hopeless because jobs are few and far between. Braddock was fighting for peanuts (low money) until he’s cast out by his own boxing federation as ‘unfit’ to fight anymore. He takes day-by-day dock jobs until well, his poverty hits a rock bottom. There’s an incredible scene where his wife tells him that they had to farm out their children (meaning they could no longer afford to take care of their own kids, so they sent them to live with relatives). Braddock had promised his son he wouldn’t do that, no matter what, and he ends up taking any work he can, including things he’s not proud of, so he can get his kids back home.
First he goes down to the financial assistance office, where a multitude of ghost-like faces fill the relief lines. He sheepishly puts in his papers and hears the woman working his booth say, “I never thought I’d see you here, Jim.” We all feel his shame as he walks out with the meager money he’s given. Next he goes downtown and does something that I question to this day if I could do. He goes to his old boxing club, the very place that had run him out because he could no longer fight and draw a crowd, with his hat in his hand, explained his situation and that he needed to get his kids back, and that he would be grateful if they could help him through this troubled time. A few people put change and a few dollars in his hat. He sees his old trainer and manager, Joe, across the room. Bradock’s shame is palpable. Like a beaten dog, Braddock makes his way over to Joe and says in a very low voice, “I\’m sorry, Joe.” I will never forget what Joe said to him.
“Sorry?! What the hell do you have to be sorry about?”
I think it’s safe to say we could all use a trainer, a friend, a manager in our corner like that when times get hard, and we are emotionally backed up against the ropes with shame, embarrassment, and downright self-degradation. The truth of the matter is, many of us do have people in our lives that would pick us up, dust us off, and understand… But, in order for that to happen, we would have to let go of our silence. Whether it be our parents, spouses, or our trusted friends, there is someone there willing to just listen, empathize with us, and also lets us know that we’re not alone in our feelings, and that they also have felt that way before. But that\’s the thing about shame. It’s an emotion that tricks us into believing that we are the only ones that have made this kind of ‘unforgivable’ mistake.
Our egos hold us hostage and silence us under the threat of feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, and begin ostracized by the very people we love and care about. Brene Brown, an American research professor, lecturer, and author best known for her research on shame, vulnerability, and leadership says, “We desperately don\’t want to experience shame, and we\’re not willing to talk about it… Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough.”
The truth is no one is unworthy of redemption. Mistakes, being down on your luck like James was, or just plain feeling ‘less than’ is something everyone who is part of the human condition has experienced at one time or another. For shame to hold any power over us we must give up our voice and remain silent.
Here are some ways to face your shame, acknowledge it, and put it to rest, so that you can begin to heal from whatever mistakes you\’ve made and come out the other side connected, intact, and ready to move forward in your life:
Introduce yourself to your shame – No matter who you are, the very first person that needs to know that you\’re feeling ashamed as you. Most of the time, many of us hide from our emotions, and I don\’t mean the good ones. We usually pass on getting to know our fear, anxiety, and self-doubt and it costs us vital Information. But, when it comes to shame, we are not interested in knowing that emotion at all. Before you go letting anyone know what you\’re feeling ashamed about, try to identify it for yourself. Really get to know what it feels like inside your body, your chest, your face, your hands. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and see how it shows up in your face, the set of your shoulders, or posture. The sooner and the better you know that you\’re feeling, the quicker you can do something about it.
Remember you’re only human – I know that many of our egos would have us believe otherwise, but, as human beings, we make mistakes. There are many things in our lives that we feel shame about. Whether it was lashing out at our child, shirking our responsibilities at the office, bad-mouthing a friend or family member, or worse. Whatever the action taken, it’s not for you to judge, but rather acknowledge that it’s all been done before. This is not a guilt free ‘pass’ to continue down a road that leads you to feel more shame for yourself. Rather, the key is to learn that something only becomes truly unforgivable to yourself or another when you lock your shame away in silence. Recognize it. Hear what it has to say. Then learn from it, so you can move forward in your life and be better for having processed it.
Seek connection from your tribe – One of the main reasons we don\’t share our shame is because we\’re afraid we\’ll be kicked out of our tribe–those people who we care about the most. The truth is, those are the very people who will be understanding and compassionate because we are connected with them. Chances are they can be very empathetic to your situation. Even if they didn\’t do what you\’ve done, they have felt shame before and can share their situations and their history, or at least be compassionate with the simple phrase, “Yeah. I know that feeling.”
Once you realize that you\’re not alone and you\’re not going to be ostracized, you can begin self-forgiveness in whatever form that takes for you.
If you would like to improve your ability to understand and listen to your emotions, lessen your avoidance of shame, fear, and anxiety, to reach your goals, break old habits, or create new ones, I can help. We can meet virtually or in person at my office in Waterbury, Vermont. Just click the button or the link below for a free consultation and let’s talk.
