I used a mobile boarding pass, so I have to go see Gertrude over there! She’s being loud, but of course she is, she’s wearing a mask. I can’t see her facial expression, just that her eyes are big. I’m feeling embarrassed like I’m holding up the line (which I’m not, I’m in limbo with Gertrude, the American Airlines attendant who is taking passports and scanning boarding passes off to the side).
“I thought it was enough to just have my boarding pass… I’ve got my papers here as well…” I can feel my words being jumbled together under my mask, as if my mouth was filled with marbles, so the embarrassment of not being heard has my lose momentum and I trail off.
Gertrude, goes through my paperwork, says I’m all set, but I don’t hear her becasue she’s facing her computer and is on to the next person in line. I hand my Gertrude-approved papers back to the other attendant processing regular boarding passes, feeling like “that guy” who\’s going to cut in line now, like it’s highschool lunch. The woman says,”Did Gertrude approve you?”
I honestly don’t know. I finally catch myself. This time I speak from my core, a bit more intentionally with more volume: “I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t have this all together right. I don’t mean to make your job harder!” Relieved, I catch the corners of her mask go up, eyes crease, and a hearty laugh comes through. Picking up the honest emotional que, she talks back in the same intentional fashion. “Honey you’re doing fine, we’ve all been there, ok? You have a great flight now, baby!”
I could feel her. Feel her letting me know we’re all human. Making the connection that would be much more obvious if we could just lower our masks, hear each other clearly, see our facial expressions, and take the time to exchange that ever-so-necessary energy between one another.
“Smiles are probably the most underrated facial expressions, much more complicated than most people realize. There are dozens of smiles, each differing in appearance and in message expressed.” Paul Ekman, Psychologist, Researcher, and Author of Emotions Revealed: Understanding Faces and Feelings
We’re not only physically distant now, 6 feet apart at social events, or queued up in lines, and safely sterile from our neighbors, friends and loved ones, but we often find ourselves feeling emotionally sterile as well. We are often missing out on warm connection, or feelings of emotional understanding in the supermarket, on a plane, between kids and teachers at school, or just from idle conversation while we’re waiting anywhere for, well…any reason. But, in spite of our masks, we can still get these connections, it just takes developing some intentional strategies. This is going to take some practice because it is completely different from what we’ve been taught as a society to do with our emotions. Are you ready? All right, here it goes:
Emotional Amplification (EA) – Now, I’m not saying we need to shout loudly at the person in line at the grocery store with us, so that she feels so much anxiety that she drops her groceries and beelines for her car (they’d probably be police involved at that point). “Emotional amplification” is when we are a bit more explicit and explicit with people through our expressions, our tone, and emotional intentions. How do we do this? By consciously being aware and being fully engaged in the conversations that we have and clearly projecting our feelings. A slight exaggeration of facial expression. Possibly a heartier laugh than usual. This is not being fake, this is what is needed to be emotionally heard or felt when your face is covered. The price for not putting in the extra effort? Misunderstanding and confusion at best…an unprovoked argument or fight at worst.
“Emotions change how we see the world and how we interpret the actions of others. We do not seek to challenge why we are feeling a particular emotion; instead, we seek to confirm it.” Paul Ekman
Another “no no” in our society is to come right out and say what is going on for you emotionally. But we need to change that. I know what you’re thinking: But, Lou, isn\’t it enough to just have my feelings and acknowledge them? It can be. But, when trying to express your emotions about a situation in our current “mask up” time, it is necessary to go the extra step to make sure you are connecting and being understood by others.
“…the unhappy person is expected to conceal negative feelings, putting on a polite smile to accompany the ‘Just fine, thank you, and how are you?’ reply to the ‘How are you today?’ The true feelings will probably go undetected…because in polite exchanges people rarely care about how the other person actually feels.” Paul Ekman
Say what you feel – When we need someone to know how we’re feeling, we need to speak up and share that information. A hint of laughter, creased eyes, and a smile that is covered by your KN95 mask could easily not be recognized as your full expression cannot seen. Putting words to those feelings while laughing like, “That was hilarious!” Just as sadness, frustration, worry, might go undetected by those who might otherwise be empathic to you. Putting simple works to narrate how you’re feeling can be important to helping a person reach back to you to connect.
As the attendant processed my boarding pass, putting words to my feelings of embarrassment and discomfort enabled her to make a connection with me and provide a simple bit of support that I truly appreciated. Masks may continue to be around for longer than we’d all care to acknowledge at the moment. These small, intentional steps can go a long way to reducing our emotional isolation as long as we remain masked…and hopefully, once those masks come off, these tools can help us keep the emotional masks off as well!
If you would like to remove your emotional mask, reduce your emotional isolation, lessen your avoidance of shame, fear, and anxiety, to reach your goals, break old habits, or create new ones, I can help. We can meet virtually or in person at my office in Waterbury, Vermont. Just click the button or the link below for a free consultation and let’s talk.
