One of my favorite movies is called The Verdict. It’s a flick where Paul Newman plays this washed up lawyer. He’s basically an ambulance-chaser, but he gets a shot in a really lucrative case. Everyone says he has no chance if he goes to court, he should just try to make a settlement. (For those of you who don’t watch CSI or exciting courtroom shows like Judge Judy, a settlement is where you prove to the defendant that you have enough evidence against them in order to get them to agree to pay a settlement, rather than them potentially risking a higher amount a judge might require of them if the case went to court. However, this also results in the lawyer giving up the higher payout for themselves as they get a percentage of the pay out). This is something that you see a lot when it comes to emotions.
Many of us are willing to give up the emotions that we could have that are positive, happy, joyful, or connecting, just so long as we don’t have to feel disconnection, anger, frustration, fear, or shame. Now we don’t sign up for this. It’s not like in the beginning of our lives there’s some kind of scroll we sign that says, “I am willing to give up all of my positive emotions just so I don’t have to feel discomfort.” It’s kind of in our DNA.
As human beings we go towards comfort. The status quo. Basically, whatever will take the least energy from us. The problem with this is that there is no growth if we’re not willing to be uncomfortable.
When it comes to our emotions, instead of living a rich, emotionally-filled life where we are connected and allow ourselves the ability to be fully present in the moment that we’re in, we start to cut deals. One of the greatest deals that we end up making is called foreboding joy. We willingly give up any joy that we have in the present moment in an effort to somehow cushion ourselves. We might say things like, “Well, it could turn the other way. Let\’s not get excited about what’s happened so far.” Or, if something really is going well, maybe we’re at our child’s birthday party, and, as we watch them blow out their candles, we think Oh my god! What\’s going to happen with them for the rest of their life? The unconscious thought is: I shouldn\’t get too excited right now, because something else could happen that would make me feel uncomfortable, sad, or scared for her. So, we settle out of court: we just smile and enjoy the birthday cake, but plan for the worst (the dreaded teenage-acting-out, or the thought that they are growing up and will be leaving for college before we know it!), while our child unwraps her presents.
Another common form of emotional settlement is being willing not to feel anything just so long as we don’t have to feel discomfort. We might use alcohol, for me it’s usually a pound of candy, when we ‘zone out’ binge-watching TV, or mindlessly scroll Facebook or TikTok on our phones just to numb ourselves. The funny thing is, we believe that we actually feel good when we’re doing these things, but what we feel is relief. There’s a really big difference between feeling relief from discomfort (thinking boredom while standing in line waiting for your Starbucks order…) and feeling joy (drinking your double-mocha-caramel-grande-latte). Relief just means we don’t have to feel uncomfortable for the moment. Chances are, when we’re done eating that cake or drinking that beer, whatever the problem was that was causing the discomfort, uncertainty, or fear is going to still be inside us. The problem with numbing is that it doesn’t just numb emotions we don’t want (fear, anxiety, etc.), it also numbs those we do (joy, excitement, connection with others)! But we are willing to settle out of court for relief. We would rather have relief than true joy and happiness just to avoid feeling fear and uncertainty.
When we settle out of emotional court we chip away at the quality of our life. The number one reason that we do or don’t do anything is our emotions. Emotions are our motivation. They are what makes us willing to push things away or pull things closer to us. We can even create emotions within ourselves to tap into the motivation they provide. When we take that emotional settlement we are left in a state of inertia, making it hard to find meaning in our lives. We settle for safety, whether physical, mental, or emotional and give up the most precious gift we have, which is a meaningful life.
Before you take that emotional settlement and decide to live your life in black and white instead of color, here are some things that you can do for yourself to live fully:
Acknowledge your emotions are there whether you feel them or not. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say that they just don’t have emotions. This is quite common for people who have been deeply hurt to the point where they just don’t really want to feel anymore, so they emotionally ‘shut down’. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that emotions are just energy in motion. It’s physiologically impossible not to have emotions. Your body is always creating energy and that energy is always in motion. From your digestion, your central nervous system, your brain synapses firing…all of it creates energy and this energy creates an emotion. The energy ‘signature’ are what we identify as anger, anxiety, joy, confidence, etc.
So, the issue is not whether you have any emotion, rather it is whether or not you’re actually feeling them. Feeling it means that you’re actually aware that the emotion is going on in your body. When you ignore them and stick your head in the sand, or just simply don’t acknowledge they’re there, all it means is you are not emotionally aware of your feelings and most likely your emotions are going to be making your choices for you. (Think of the time you’re driving down the road running late for some event, then you get behind the slowest driver ever! Do you start getting tense, gripping the wheel harder, cussing out the other driver? Maybe even passing them on a less-than-safe stretch of road… That is your emotions making your decisions for you. You were feeling anxious about your lateness, it translated into displaced anger at ‘that guy’ in the other car, and caused you to drive in a manner you wouldn’t normally).
Practice checking in with yourself at least a few times a day in different situations to see how you feel. Try to identify what’s going on in your body–is it manifesting in your hands, your chest, your face. What’s your thinking like? You do not get a choice of whether or not you’re going to have fear in your body, but you do get a choice of whether or not it gets to make your decisions for you. The great thing about learning how to identify your feelings is that, the more you do it over time, the less intense the feeling becomes and the shorter amount of time it lasts within you.
Don’t settle out of court! Let’s say you’re going to go to your son\’s wedding and you’re not crazy about the woman that he’s marrying. You’re going to be really happy to see your Uncle Henry when you get there, but he’s a package deal with your Aunt Gertrude. You’re not so happy about that because she always pinches your face. You hear the place you’re going to has the best cheeseburgers in town, but all of the bride\’s family is vegetarian and would rather starve them to kill a cow. Don’t put a timer on how long you\’re gonna be there. Don’t try to script what you’re going to do in every situation while you’re there. Don’t try to avoid certain people and only speak to the ones that you know agree with your points of view. Allow yourself to experience this. Fully. As it unfolds in the present moment.
Yes, you will feel some disappointment. You will get frustrated and angry at certain people. But you will also allow for experiences with people and situations you didn’t count on. Maybe it’ll be the first time you’ve ever tried an Impossible Burger. Maybe you’ll find that you have more in common with the bride than you thought, if you take some time to listen to her instead of having already decided that she’s going to cause you discomfort as soon as she opens her mouth. Honestly, I don’t know what may or may not actually happen. But neither do you! What I do know is this: if you try to skip that reality in your mind before it happens you will miss the joy and excitement of any real time experience that happens in a life unfiltered.
If you would like to learn to fully experience life, reduce your emotional isolation, lessen your avoidance of shame, fear, and anxiety, to reach your goals, break old habits, or create new ones, I can help. We can meet virtually or in person at my office in Waterbury, Vermont. Just click the button or the link below for a free consultation and let’s talk.
