I find myself searching for the right thing to say, as if there is actually a right thing to say. A good friend of mine is going through a very difficult time, and, of course, I find myself wanting to help. Suggesting solutions. Wanting to be useful. Honestly there’s a good deal of me that just wants to fix it (as if ‘fixing’ another person is possible). But I’m human, and, in this moment, while I’m listening and feeling my friend’s pain, I’m fully invested in the idea that I will be able to say that ‘magical’ thing that changes everything and saves the day.
As he continues talking about his situation, I’m on the other end of the phone, nodding at the appropriate time (even though he can’t see me), saying, “Yes. Of course.” or, “I understand.” But, instead of just listening and being present, I KNOW my mind is working overtime assessing and waiting for the ‘right’ time to break in with my ground-breaking, life-saving advice. I know my intention is good. I only want to try and find a way to ease his pain. I’m not looking to be a teacher, advisor, or coach. Yet, just listening while he talks about his situation feels like I’m doing nothing. Like somehow I’ve failed him. Like I’ve shoved my hands in my pockets while he’s falling through his problem. Like I’m a bystander just being present while he suffers.
How many times do we do this? Try and put a Band-Aid over a friend or loved-ones emotional wound as quickly as possible? Half in hopes that the wound will rapidly heal up for them, and half so we and they don’t have to see it. Truly witness it. But is it possible that maybe just listening and bearing witness is exactly what they need?
The very act of sitting with them, allowing them to air out that wound, and remaining present while they’re in pain can be cathartic. We don’t always feel comfortable doing this because it feels like 1) we’re really not ‘qualified’, or actually doing anything to help their situation (that’s more about us than them) and, 2) we are uncomfortable witnessing their emotional pain (again, that’s still about us…).
Bearing emotional witness for someone requires the ‘emotional witness’ to be willing to show up, truly listen, and be open to feel another’s uncomfortable emotions. The catharsis and relief comes from KNOWING that someone cares enough to sit with them, to listen and be fully present with them, while they’re in their discomfort. There is no greater intervention, care, or support than when someone can feel fully heard because you are truly invested and willing to feel their pain with them. Not trying to solve it, or give them an answer to a problem. Respecting that they can help themselves and find their own solutions to their problems, while keeping space open, so they know they are not alone.
I can feel the other side of the phone. It feels lighter. My friend feels as though some weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Not because solutions have been found, or his feelings have changed, but because there was room for him to express what was going on for him. The confusion, anger, and fear can actually go through him, instead of bottlenecking inside his body. I feel happy with myself for having been able to actually listen to my friend and bear witness to his struggles, instead of trying to find a Buddha like response. When it was all said and done, he thanked me for listening and I said, “Any time.” And I meant it.
