During an interaction with a friend a few days ago, something was said that triggered a strong reaction in me. My friend didn’t know this, and it certainly wasn’t intentional, but we’re all human, and I could feel my irritability rise up. Left unchecked it could definitely go to anger. How do I know this? Because I have felt my anger, irritation, and fear many times. You could say I know them intimately.
As my friend continues to speak I want to stay present in the conversation, so I know I need to try to identify why I’m getting upset. You might be thinking, but you work with your emotions so much, identifying them, understanding them, knowing why they’re there, they can’t possibly feel that intense. Well, let me say this, even a dull knife, though it may take a little bit more to break the skin, can still cut you. And believe me, no one gets a pass. I feel fear, anger, and anxiety, as much as the next person, but one of the things I will say is that I have a familiarity with consistently allowing myself to feel these feelings. This has allowed me to “create space”. Meaning, see the emotion for what it is, even while I’m feeling it, not just reacting and saying the first thing that comes to my mind, or shoving it way down to come out at some other inappropriate time or on some unsuspecting person I love–in this case on my friend.
It’s funny how much many of us believe that practicing just means “knowing about it.” It’s easy to think I can truly escape my uncomfortable emotions if I just “know the steps”. I know I thought for many years, if I just knew how all this “feel your uncomfortable emotions, and go after what you want” process worked I was home free. It was as if I forgot that the hard part was actually “feeling” them. It’s like when Deepak Chopra or Pema Chodron talk about how, if we sit in meditation, we are secretly hoping that we can get rid of all of our uncomfortable feelings and experiences and just be in a state of bliss… Neither one of them tell you that’s gonna happen. The only practice that moves us forward and truly counts is the practice we are in the emotions and we are not feeling good.
Sometimes I read stories about people whom I respect. I read about times when they had to deal with adversity, fear, and uncertainty. The self-doubt they face before they ever entered into the arena in which they are now so successful. I get inspired by what they’ve achieved and the mental emotional anguish that they’ve persevered through to reach their goals. It sounds heroic, possibly romantic when you’re reading the written word, but there’s quite a distance between those words written about their painful experience, and what they actually went through.
It takes courage to consistently practice feeling your uncomfortable emotions.
I can tell you what happens to me every time…
I think about the experience I’m going to go into, whether that’s a race, speaking on stage, dealing with my kids when I’m tired… You can fill in the blank really.
Next I try to plan. I try to get my head around the fact that I’m probably going to feel fear or anxiety, possibly irritation or extreme fatigue while dealing with the situation I am going into.
Then I get into the situation. What I mean by that is I actually become entrenched in the experience. Those uncomfortable emotions come rolling in, they are front and center, and there is no plan, or written word, in between my experiencing the discomfort, or say fear, sadness, anxiety, shame, you name it.
And this step? It happens every time.
Like wanting to jump out of an ice cold bath, my brain tells me to get the heck out of this emotion as soon as possible! Screw all that intellectual preparation, I am looking for the exit! It’s one thing to talk about feeling uncomfortable, it\’s another thing to actually be in it.
But then something happens: the more consistently you practice, the emotions you feel may not become more comfortable, but the more familiar you get with them. They don’t seem so unfamiliar. You may not feel all sunshine and roses about getting in that ice bath, but the more you allow yourself to experience it, the less intense it feels to get in. And the more choice you’ll consistently have as to whether you will get in or not. Your fear, anxiety, will no longer make that choice for you.
So, make the courageous choice to experience your pain whether it’s fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, etc. Identify why it’s there, and see what you can learn from it. Then take the action that is in your best interest for what you are trying to achieve, not just the action that is the least uncomfortable. It’s really not that it ever feels any different, the uncomfortable emotions that is. Rather, the more you have the courage to practice feeling them, the more familiar you are at rallying your courage to feel your uncomfortable emotions, the more space you create to have choice as to whether you are going to stay with whatever it is you’re doing. Without practice you’re less likely to have a choice and more likely to just react.
So, I’m in that irritation, and I’ve chosen to stay with my friend and what we’re talking about rather than allow my discomfort to push me to react or repress. This is the work. All of our work really. The work that is required to be fully present in my life fully. The work of using the amazing and powerful gifts that our emotions bestow on us to motivate ourselves, course correct when stretching and growing, learn from our mistakes, and, most importantly, remain in full connection with everyone, not just those people who make us feel ‘good’. I choose to remain fully in my life.
If you would like help lessening your fear and anxiety, reaching your goals, breaking habits, or creating new ones, I’d love to work with you. We can meet virtually or in person at my office in Waterbury, Vermont. Just click the button or the link below for a free consultation and let’s talk.
